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Don’t lie. You know you’ve had the thought - “Should I lower my standards?” - at some point in your dating life. Society likes to tell us if we’re disabled, we should lower our standards, and that we will have no choice but to forfeit that “perfect” person ideal, because let’s face it, we’re not as much of a catch. You and I both know that’s BS, but the thought can still haunt us, especially if we experience a dry spell.

But what does “standards” mean anyways? It generally means a list of things we require in a mate. Everyone has a list of some varying degree of extremeness, with things such as “At least 6ft tall“ to “Employed and without children” on the list. But have you ever thought long and hard on what your standards are, and if they really suit someone as developed as you?

Yes, developed. It’s important to remember that most people with disabilities are at a higher-functioning level, both emotionally and maturity wise, because of the adversity-facing experiences we consistently have. With that said, are your standards really going to attract the right person who will last long-term for someone who‘s gone through what you‘ve gone though? THAT, my friends, is the real question to ask yourself.

Taking a fresh look at our standards is what this article is all about. It’s not about lowering them, it’s about changing them; changing them so they actually aid you in the process of attracting someone who has a real chance of lasting with you longer than a couple of months. Aren’t you sick of wasting your time chasing the wrong people? Before you get smart and change your standards for the better, take these suggestions to heart:

- Are They Mature? This is an often overlooked personality trait. As a person with a disability who’s dated a range of people, the mature ones, the ones with jobs they’ve held longer than a year, the ones who are sometimes labeled “boring,” those people are the ones you should consider if you really want someone who’s in it for the long haul. Maturity, add that to your list.

- Can They Laugh At Themselves? Life with a disability isn’t easy, nor is it always pretty (but it can be). The only way to deal with the inevitable punches, as you and I both know, is to laugh the bad times in the face. The ability to find humor in even the darkest of moments is necessary to our survival. If you’re with someone who can’t laugh when your leg bag accidentally blows, or when you get stared at by an old lady, then it’s time to kick that someone to the curb-cut. Humor, add that to your list.

- Do They Know Adversity? Finding someone who’s also faced adversity in their life is another important thing to look for. Adversity comes in all experiences, from experiencing the death of a close loved one to overcoming an illness themselves. If you can find someone who can relate to the immense struggle of overcoming a life-changing experience, i.e. some type of adversity, they’re much more likely to be on the same wavelength as you. Adversity, add that to your list.

- Are They Confident? And last but certainly not the least important thing to consider when changing your standards: Do they have confidence? Confidence is immensely important when dating someone with a disability. They’re going to need a loads of it when they deal with the round of questions they’ll be getting when people in their life find out they’re dating you. It’s evitable, they’ll even be badgered by some, but if they have confidence in who they are they won’t care what anyone else thinks. This is the kind of person you want to date. A highly confident individual.